how do you deal with the fact that every single person in your life is earning for someone better than you. If ONLY it was someone else other than you. But they right now, stuck or do not have better options. People would date someone else or rather just have someone else.
The last option
How does it feel for a naked body to choose to come and sleep next to you, day after day. Hold you in your imperfections and kiss you in the morning. How does it feel to know that someone thinks about you while they are working in their cubicles and look forward to seeing you at the end of their day. I take a look at my reflection in the mirror as I type this and my mind instantly tells me that no one would want to come home to you. You are not desirable in those ways. Men would come and fuck you, suck on those tender breasts and stick themselves inside your body and watch you moan to their rhythm, and they will choose to get dressed and get out when its done. They never stay. Somedays, they don;t even look you in the eye. You are nothing but a piece of meat they are fucking. Noone wants to share a meal, step out to get coffee or shop for the week or go out on a movie. Even if they do, its for anything but you. Because you are kind, because you are nice. But its fleeting. Its the burden they are bearing because they dont have any other option. You are the last choice, the last option.
Lost loves
How strange it is – how we fall for the tiniest things people do. That laugh which reaches their eyes, the random things they like talking about, how their touch sends shivers down your spine and how their walking out the door breaks your heart every time.
Loving someone one-sided is heart breaking. You see and hear them rejecting to you, that you don’t mean much to them – that you are just enough to hang out but never enough to invest any actual emotion. You are in the passing. You whole being for someone you love is just in the passing – till they find someone better and they will. Because you were never in the running.
Yes, you will get over it. You might even find love in life – but it still doesn’t make it easier for the one who is sitting here, writing this. It was never easy for the person 12 years ago who sat in peak winter on the roof, crying, wishing for a falling star for her love to come back to her, hurting herself. Always chasing, never desired.
Told him 2 days ago how I felt and he said to my face that this is not how he feels. said he needs time to think about no contact and has not spoken to since.
टूटे हुए दिल जाऐं कहाँ`?
Conversations with my mirror
It has been quite a year – hasn’t ended yet so it might just spring something else as well but I’ve been lifted in my spirits and thrown back down in a matter of months.
The last few weeks, I have found a feeling creeping back in, with which I’ve had a very strange relationship. Its how I feel about myself – how do I think I look? How I think others see me and how do I know how people see me. These are two very different things – going parallely.
This is the first time in my whole life that I truly believe that I am unattractive and no one would ever stay back, ever. It feels sad – constantly, yes. But also its free-ing? Not bothered to impress anyone – just being myself.
A wish for everyday
I scroll through social media and yes it might be a poor habit for my mental health but sometimes these reels make me feel SO much i feel fortunate to have come across that content. I just saw a reel of this man working as a ‘Joker’ in Karachi. When asked what he does when he’s not working as a joker, he said he sings and then goes on to sing in the most beautiful voice ever. It brought tears to my eyes, both the singing and the lost potential.
Made me think that if ever I had the power to make things possible, there would be nothing greater than giving what these people deserve in life. Not a life of a dead tired body being dragged back home, doing something that you were never meant to do. Ah! I wish this so much. For people to be who they want to be, and not what circumstances force them to become.
I hope this comes to us all. I truly do.
These days, it seems as if I am mostly taken by shorter sentences which convey a much larger meaning. So, keeping up with that theme- here is another line that truly made me pause-
“Only our choices reveal who we really are, much more than our abilities.” by none other than Rowling.
It’s nice to have somebody to miss.
Also, I think it might be time again to look into the dusty books and show up everyday.
An Everyday Affair 