Dancing on the rooftops

Aren’t romantics the most hopeful people in the world? They still believe that someone, somewhere in the world would dedicate themselves to another and that it would last! I sure am a skeptic. What more do you expect from a person after a heartbreak?

The building right across the road has been a thing of curiosity for me since sometime now. Today, I just strolled to my balcony and saw one of the most picture perfect moment of someone else’s life. It is 1:30 am right now so pretty dark outside. I could see shadows of 2 people on the rooftop and they were actively moving. Firstly I thought it might be the boys with their usual. But the very next second I realized, it was actually a girl and a boy and guess what? They were dancing! That romantic movies kinda dance. Shit man! They danced for like a minute and then ran down the stairs. I thought I was watching some movie. Damn!

Before this, I never believed such things happened in real life. But I feel so happy that I got a glimpse. I am so happy for them. Such stolen moments are really  the ones which stay in people’s memory. I am sure the couple across my street would cherish it too!

(Note: For a couple of seconds after guessing that there is a girl there (and before realizing that they were dancing) I stared hard because I feared something non-consensual was happening. Yep, those seconds were shit scary.)



You read it right. Art. If you think that all I’m going to write about is UPSC (aimed at the one visitor on my wordpress page today, in years), you made a mistake revisiting me.

When people say that some pieces of art are difficult to understand, I want to tell you that -that piece wasn’t meant for you. But you’ll find one. That one canvas or picture that will make you stop. Uneasily at first (hello! You aren’t really the biggest fan of the medium). Maybe you stroll/browse past it. But you will find yourself coming back to it. Staring at it. Wondering what is causing that sudden, unexpected chill to rise from your gut. Its possible to not find an explanation. Happens to the best of us. But, my dear friend, that’s when art has found you. After that moment, you’ll understand why a blank canvas can make someone cry. (Its an extreme example, but kindly bear with me). There are memories, pictures, dreams. Some we know about, some are buried. And there are certain things that push them into our conscious. That one piece of art, someplace, sometime does this to us. It makes us nostalgic and wanting.

I remember i used to draw these random thingies on sheets all though my childhood. I used to show them to my elder sister (who was conveniently my best friend too) and I remember her telling me that they must mean something. Or they will. I am not sure I understand that, even today. Or my scribbling, on that matter. They are long lost now. After storing them for a couple of years, they were thrown out in the yearly end-of-school cleanup. I miss making art. The downside of just studying is that you kind of stop making your own things. They wouldn’t be even anyone’s closet-worthy, but its that sense of calm when you draw your abstracts. There is a topper this year who made his notes with the most cleverly worded headers (AIR 51). Its good to see that all isn’t crushed in the pursuit of a single goal. You can tweak your way and find time for the things that are second in line. From this I remember that I need to register for a 5k. I have chosen my outlet and that has to be running. I guess painting has to be satisfied with the bronze medal in my wonderful life (pun intended).

Until next time.

(Artwork from the internet. Not one of those emotion invoking ones. I like the green-orange)

NOTE 1: The picture actually as more meaning than its carrot appearance. See! That’s what art does. Makes you add notes to your anonymous blog because it gave you feels during a re-read.

The Green Bug on my ledge


Winters in Delhi can be brutal. Living here since the past 7 years, I can assure you that Delhi can surely throw a roller coaster in terms of weather. Last year, the cold was laughable. This year, I can’t even lift my finger to wipe my nose since conveniently they have swelled like sausages. I guess this city is giving me a fuck you for laughing at it the last time.

Anyways, New year came with one gift- the sun. And all the frozen janta was seen basking alongside a long line of clothes which haven’t dried since December. A hearty portion of that blanket cast a gloomy shadow on my balcony. But, I am a patient neighbor and decided to ‘only’ glare at the nonchalant aunty.

So, here I am, in my light blue Sarojini sweater and accidentally matching blue pants- placing my chair carefully at the edge of the balcony to catch the receding sun since I slept through half the morning. The Hindu is a staple and so is the constant line of ants that honestly are the actual residents of this building. Like its said, we are just passing by. But the ants, they are here to stay. While my mind is settling in and kind of enjoying how the sun rays reflect on my brown skin making it shine, the balcony has a new visitor. This green bug, on the very edge, its coat glowing. Let me tell you, I am no Steve McCurry but I click a decent enough picture. And then right there, I launched that bug’s career onto my instagram and (now) wordpress. Aren’t samsung phones handy!

For about an hour, I kept squishing slowly, till the very end of the balcony until there was no more sun to catch. Jealous of the people living in front of my house and cursing the residents on the roof, I dragged my not-so-warm ass (and chair) inside. As I wrapped my self in the triple-blanket fortress (inside which I am still cocooned), I wished for this winter to get over so that I can get my locomotion back.

Until next time!

End of a decade (1/2)

There are days when I feel that I have a story to tell. The trigger could be anything. A Berlin art-parasite post or maybe its hewhowanders. Today, it is a beautiful sunshine on a hilltop telling me that life is in the moments. It’s the smallest joke, the smallest gesture of kindness that makes this life worth. I am in that phase of my life where the crossroads are murky and I am scared to place my foot forward on any. So I am standing. Right there. Thinking.

There are other days, different from the ones above, when I firmly believe that no one would ever want to read to what I have to say. Why would you take my free advices when I haven’t been able to sail even my own boat to the shore. Way to go on feeling stupid as shit.

When my brother told me that the decade is ending, my first response was of total disbelief. “It would end next year! In 2020” Later I realized that it’s the change of digits which indicates the ending. This realization came with its baggage (ofcourse).

All I see is fire

I installed Indian Express in my phone to stay updated with any major news that would come up. Since the past few weeks, I am not sure if I want to stay updated.

3 incidents. All highlighting the deep fallacies in our countries system. Its supposed to be cold in December, but everything’s on fire. A young woman was raped and burnt in Hyderabad. I was aimlessly scrolling through my instagram when this news reached me. And just 3 days later, at 2 am, my trusty Indian express app blinked with the second agni kand. The unnao rape case victim- burnt, was now dead. That girl was gang raped by 2 men last december. My gut tells me one of those accused took a cue from hyderabad.

Another fire rocking this nation is closer to home. 43 people burnt alive and died in a major fire in Anaj Mandi, Delhi. 200 people were sleeping in a paper factory when the fire broke out. The rescue operation is still going on as I write this.

When we wake up in the morning, almost out of instinct, we turn to our sides and light up our windows to the world- mobile phones. With the kind of content I interact with these days, my escapism is on an all time high. I don’t want to turn that wifi on and let my Indian express tell me new ways in which my people are let down. The striking cold bloodiness is burning this country alive.


drunk winters

20191113_015343 - Copy.jpgthe cold makes me tipsy. its a strange thing. while im physically weighed down by sweaters, by heart feels light. its not grey and monotonous. its about yellow lights, morning fogs, squirming inside the warm blanket and cold feet, christmas and strangely -memories. As Adam Levine very insightfully said, ‘drinks bring back memories’ My cool aid

Its so long. So long since ive got stuck into this exam cycle and not found a way out. never have i ever toasted the things i grew out of for good since i failed to get out it. but why is that so? why should only success and failure define us? unlike computers, im not bound by 0 and 1. I can have a .5. not there yet but not at the start line too. on my way to a different place. a place i’ll make better for myself and for atleast some people around me.

i want to tell you today that everything that you gave up for this exam counts. Despite the outcome. Its not everything you are and not everything you’ll be. These are such simple things. Such simple sentences. We could find them even in  mass produced archies cards. But the affirmation is lost on almost all of us, well, until we hit rock bottom. This rock bottom is really the ground on which we build ourselves. Its our foundation stone. So, for the optimistic days, its important to reach the ground to break it (So cliche! But whatever gets you through the day. Somedays its wisdom and somedays its the cliche.)

i talked to a girl, who was sold into a marriage for 50 thousand when she was as old as me. sexually abused for 6 months before she found someone to listen and help her. And today, two years after it, she told me all this in a single breath without shreading a single tear. How do people find such strength? Such mountain of courage to carry on?

I am shattered everytime a friend of mine makes that face when I say im preparing for upsc. that obvious belief that im wasting my time and that’s the last thing anyone should do. Why are dreams compared? Someones’ big and some else’s small? ive learned to brush it aside. and now i have the strength to brush it every single time anyone says that for any dream of mine. my dreams are not small to me and no other opinion matters. if i can change one life or just make it better for my own family, i will be a happier person. that’s my dream. upsc is good work. there is no other way to describe it. it works for the ‘smallest’ person. the one no one listens to.  wounds that sometimes get buried so deep that the scars are generational now. that’s why i want to be in the ias.

see, i said. novemeber-december are my drunk on hope months. all thats written’s so dreamy. well, thats how dreams are. impossible for someone else to believe. and so true for you that you bet your whole life on it. Dont give up. Ever. Fight for your dreams. Every second, everyday.

Now some Maroon 5 lyrics for you:

“heres the ones to that we got, cheers to the wish you were here but you’re not

toast to the one who are here today, toast to the ones we lost on the way

everybody hurts sometimes, everybody hurt someday

everything will be alright.”

The Constants (part 2)


Hello all,

Here are my constants since the past 2 months (the middle one for a month now). The Holy grail for UPSC.

In order of appearance: UPSC Syllabus (which has been handwritten by yours truly), Optional Previous Year question bank and GS Mains Previous Year question bank.

I am assuming I’d post an update with a updated Prelims Previous year when I find one better than the error-some Arihant. A lot of time is spent staring at these, finding patterns and clues to make sure I’m reading/learning just what is demanded. Not less and most definitely not more. The process started slowly, however it has picked up pace.

October end would be busy- occupied. So I’m aiming to cover maximum of Paper 1 as I can. November end would be rather emotional. Didi is getting married and I’m still not sure how I feel about it except for the fact that I’ll miss her. As for the present month, I run faster now. The internship/paise kamane ka only source rn is also going fine. A glorified telecom person is what I feel generally but eh. As long as I can replace my camera battery with the money, I’m good.

Stay tuned.


Little late, quite early

Its somewhere written in the old library books. We have just never picked them up to read. Imaginations fired up in distant lands and poured down in ink. Relished by eyes and fantasized by the mind. Books have such a marvelous journey. They’re personified by every hand they’ve passed through. My dumbledore might be fiercer or kinder than yours. Its how we internalize the words and bring the characters to life.

People have a tendency to make sure they are up to something. Always dwidling with one thing or the other. My concern sometimes gets that what if we’d understand more if we were still, if even for a brief moment. But then again, may be not. I have noticed when I write, the sentences usually propose an idea and then question its validity. All in a couple of sentences. Rather states my state of mind.

Its 4:01 am.

What the future holds is a hazy picture to look at and predict. Its not a blank canvas really. What we are doing today is forming what we are getting tomorrow. This isn’t something new. Just age old wisdom, passed down on anonymous blogs.

I should sleep. Long day tomorrow.


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Hello WordPress.

So, September started a day ago. 9th month of the year. 9, 10, 11 and 12. And 2019 ends. Hmm.

I just got off the phone with the oldest friend I still have. And Vodafone telecom knows I blabbered. It feels so good though. I have NEVER shared stuff about the preparation with anyone except with my brother. That too on the rarest of rare occasions. *Sigh* I just realized that my dam has broken and I’ve come here since I couldn’t blabber enough on the phone. Haha! WHATEVER.

I will keep reminding myself every day that its okay to feel dejected and alive in a time span as short as 2 days. This is how it happens, I guess. I explained him everything. Like from the course structure to what I read everyday. That poor soul is the farthest from this exam as anyone could be. He does fashion! But I guess everyone earns one of those people in their lives who’ll keep you alive even at your lowest (or dumbest). His boyfriend is a real piece of work. Sometimes people are so easy to read and the other times even the Marauder’s map will not get you through that overgrown maze. Maybe we forget to look at the obvious since the light of the lies is blinding us every moment.

I said as much as I understood /felt. Good people are so easily fooled. Maybe that’s why conniving people steal the limelight. What a sadistic view of the world. Even on my better days, I’m dark. You are welcome to reach out to me for advice.

So update on the taiyaari jeet ki. August goals weren’t achieved to completion. No where near the completion. Time table got adjusted. Everyday is an opportunity. I am de-markating (or rather planning to) reduce my monthly goals to 3 weeks. Since at the month end, I slog. Trail is one the way. Let’s see how it pans out.

See you around. Dear WordPress.

Yours truly,

Muffin song lover.

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